Why would you give caffeine to a jerk?

Oh, we understand why you would give caffeine to jerky – to ride the seemingly endless wave of popularity in hyper-caffeinated products marketed to “action sports” morons who buy the misconception that caffeine really does = “energy.”

What we don’t understand is why you would give such a product to a jerk (and let’s face it, you know there are going to be a lot of them buying this), because in our experience jerks don’t become any less insufferable when they are hyper.

Or to paraphrase Bill Cosby: “This man said that cocaine ‘enhances your personality.’ And I said ‘yes, but what if you’re an a–hole’?”

What we can say is that the makers of Perky Jerky have a pitch-perfect handle on their brand. It’s aggressive, memorable, cheeky and slick. They’re even trying (and succeeding, it appears) to build an online community around this ridiculous product. It almost makes us want to run out and have a meaningful experience with Perky Jerky that we can document and share with others.

No. Not really.

A portion of the proceeds (though disappointingly, the company doesn’t mention what percentage) are going to a couple great charities. We’re pretty sure there has to be a better way to help kids with disabilities than selling a million bags of caffeinated beef jerky to a bunch of dirt bikers, but hey, at least they’re trying.

And why stop there? Let’s cram some uppers into Cracker Jacks, Cheetos, Oreos and Little Debbie Snack Cakes. All great tasting snacks, but who among us hasn’t eaten them and said, “You know what would make this better? If my heart were beating 300 times a minute while I was eating it.”

And if you haven’t thought that, well…maybe you’re just not a big enough jerk, hmmm?

Via The Mixtress Online.

Tags: beef, caffeine, energy drinks, jerky, marketing