Tough noogies

In our youth, when we whined about something inconsequential (which was often), our mother used the phrase “tough noogies.”

“But mo-o-o-o-mmmm, I don’t LIKE these brussels sprouts! They’re gross. I don’t WANNA eat this!”

“Mm-hm. Tough noogies.”

We were never entirely certain what this term meant. It had nothing to do with the topside knuckle burn of the same name, the one you gave your little brother when he was being a pest. In retrospect, it is probable that mom made the phrase up, substituting “noogies” for another word she wanted to say, but couldn’t.

But then we grew up and became hardworking consumers, and learned that our childhood suspicion had been correct, that we are entitled to 100% satisfying experiences all the time. At least when it comes to forking over our hard-earned cash. If something doesn’t deliver as expected, we have the right – nay, the duty! – to voice our dissatisfaction and request a full and immediate refund. And because this is America, we get it – or they lose us as a customer. That’s capitalism.

Now, to be sure there are those who abuse this right. If you work in the customer service sector, you know the folks we mean. But for the most part the system works. Doesn’t function right? Doesn’t meet your expectations? Return it. Get your money back.

Unless you’ve bought an iPhone app you don’t like.

Okay, so there are some success stories about people who got refunds on apps that sucked. (Via TheHenry.) And Apple’s official policy is that they will refund dissatisfied customers’ money if the request is made within 90 days. But by most accounts, Apple hasn’t exactly made the refund process user-friendly. According to this Iron Ink Media post, if the app doesn’t work right and you “file something legal,” you may get your money back. But if the app just isn’t what you expected, you’re basically out of luck.

There’s also a controversy going on about how a tidal wave of returns could bankrupt developers, especially when Apple is keen on keeping their commission (you can read about that in this C-Net article). All of which sounds like a smaller version of the auto industry debacle to us. (“We can’t allow hardworking people to fail just because they make a crappy product no one likes! We have to protect Americans!”)

Of course, we don’t envy the position Apple is in. They have two parties to keep happy: the consumers and the developers. So they have done the safest possible thing:

A) Take the official position that they will issue refunds, and issue a select few to prove it. This will keep the customers happy – or at least placated.

B) Make any return process bloody impossible to find or navigate, increasing the chances that customers will simply grumble about the app for 5 minutes, delete it and forget it. This will decrease the number of returns and keep the developers (relatively) happy.

All the while, Apple still gets to keep their 30% cut. Because it’s not their fault the app sucked, right? And they can’t offer customers a “70% money back guarantee,” can they?

So as you’re shopping the app store, choose wisely, friends. Read the reviews. Do your homework. Don’t shell out any of your hard-earned cash until you’ve mitigated as much risk as possible. Because buying an iPhone app is apparently the only exchange in capitalist America today – with the exception of phone sex, of course – where no matter how dissatisfied you may be with the result, you’re likely out of luck if you’re looking to get your money back.

Or as mom might have put it: “tough noogies.”

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Tags: customer service, iphone apps, refund, smart phone